Questions…

A tricky, difficult, I even want to say yucky thing happened this week. A very close family member has had a hard time and responded in a way that they are not proud of.

And on being a part of this I have sunk into a scary hole of pain and fear. The world just feels like a scary place and I cannot cope with seeing my favourites get stung by the nastiness of it all.

Is this normal? I feel like a scratched record, the tune goes on but I keep getting pulled violently back to the realisation that someone I love is in pain. And so it begins….

I want to wrap them all in soft, cosy cotton wool. I can’t do that so to preserve myself I might run away and hide and retreat from any relationship with someone I love so much. Nope, that is silly. I will miss them and still feel this overwhelming sadness-pain. So I start thinking about not being here any more.

How do I do this? How do I not feel this mind-bending pain? Does everyone feel this? Is this part of my mental illness? Do some of us just suffer heart ache more?

There is no title.

I am feeling intensely down right now.

These moments scare me. I have to literally keep myself up and buoyant in a very conscious way. I have to text friends, cuddle my cat, go to people or else I will hurt myself or start planning the end and then sink further down towards those plans.

When I am in my lowest state I feel this way for a longer term. I get so down I cannot find a way up. I start planning the way to end my life, only twice have I taken action to do this. I am quite well these days but still having these scary moments. They usually pass quickly.

Writing this helps. It helps remind me that this is a moment. I have named up what helps. I have done these things.

This is just one part of depression that is so hard to describe. People love to say “we all get down” or even “I have hard times but I don’t think about killing myself!”.

I was a very short hop skip and jump to “This is awful, nothing has changed. I am hopeless. Everyone is sick of me. I don’t want to be alive here anymore. I want to die now. I’ll take all my medication”.

I will do the things I spoke about. I will take care of myself. I will ride this night out and I am sure I will be in more peace tomorrow.