Garden of Childhood Delights

Do you remember the tree on our nature-strip? It was a gum tree I think. We used to pick the leaves off and peel away a thin translucsent layer, no clue why but it was always a feat to peel it off in one piece. We would clamber in that tree, it wasn’t great to climb – remember? More get to one spot and stand and watch the world go by. We often wished it was taller and more spread out so we could hide up there.

I can’t remember if we were ‘allowed’ to play in the tree… it seems close to the road when I think back. Mum’s garden at that house – the one with the pretend grey bricks that I used to scratch at and try to move to see what was under that strange facade – it was cool, I remember it wasn’t quite the meandering fairy garden I wanted with pockets of hidden shade where I could perform magic but it wasn’t too far off.

I used to bang the white rocks together and like the gun powder smell it made. We would pop the fuchsia pods and tiny fresh looking beads of water would come out, I knew mum would be mad at me but that satisfying, fleshy ‘pop’ was too much to resist. Oh! And those leathery green leaves on the bush with the purple flowers! The leaves that stuck together like a little pod and if we were very gentle we could pull them apart and another two smaller leaves were stuck together and then… even smaller leaves!

The taste of the honey-suckle always surprised me, I expected a soapy warning of poison but the soft saccherine liquid was always a treat. And the lily-pilly berries… I am sure I made myself ill crunching on too many of those tangy white berries.

That lily- pilly tree was on the entrance to the wood yard where the swingset was and I seem to remember some trucks and toys always being around – rocks and gravel in the tray. On the other side of the wood yard was my favourite spot, my haven. An arbor with beautiful purple wisteria growing over it. I am guessing it would have been the spring months that it flowered and gave an incredible shade and I would sit at the wooden picnic table and write letters and stories, I would do craft and have dress up extravaganzas. I miss that place, remember how many snails we would find in the old stone BBQ!?

Further back there was a huge – well it seemed so at the time – vegetable garden. And the apricot tree! Oh the jam that came from that tree! And we used to have berries just from our garden for Christmas breakfast!! Remember the room off the garage? We would play schools and shops! And – oh! – remember getting on the roof of that room?! How did we manage to climb up there? I seem to recall being wedged between two buildings… There was an old dead sea horse – we thought it was the coolest thing we had ever seen!! I remember liking little bits of silicone coming out of the nail holes, I would pick them off and play with them.

Me, always poking and prodding in intense interest in the objects, materials and textures of this world.

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The “have to’s” Pt 1

In my family, catch ups have always been used as a sort of give and take currency. Like, if you visited last then you could get a little mad if they don’t visit you next. 

Also, birthdays and the like. I’ve heard ‘well you didn’t come to my party so I’m not going to yours’ a little too much. I don’t want to buy into this tit for tat power game anymore. 

Unfortunely because it’s my family history it’s hard to shake. Thank god the whole world doesn’t function like this because I would never see people.. the waiting game would have been running for a long time now!

So I’m going to say no more. Just no. I say it a lot already and I bet people reading this will laugh! But in certain pockets of my life, this has to change. 

Minimal Living

So I am hoping to reduce my material footprint in 2017! I want to reduce-reduce-reduce what I have as the year goes on!

I’m hoping a big part of this will be a move to ‘shed’ living! My sister and her mister have a room attached to a garage out in a wee little village named Meander and I hope to move there in August!

I am unsure I will be able to reduce what I have much further – my current home is so small! But I will certainly be purchasing much less in 2017!

Excitement – any tips and tactics would be much appreciated!

Signs and symbols

I just did a very powerful tarot reading. I sat with it for the last few hours and it has really cleared my mind of a few things so I wanted to record it but I also wanted to ask what signs and symbols you look to? I don’t read tarot because I think it will tell my future but help me focus and clarify my current understandings. I think we all look to signs of some kind, whether it be subconsciously or with some scepticism. I mean even if you mutter ‘it’s one of those days’ really that is some sort of idea that a days ‘feel’ is shaped in some way by some thing.

Any way, let me share my reading!! I did a cross spread and my question was regarding my current dream and inspiration to create a celebration of passionate women hopefully leading to solidarity, support and care.

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1. The past and it’s influence on the question: 6 Pentacles – The love, assistance and generosity I have received in the past influences who I am today.

2. Obstacles in my past: The World (reversed) – My insecurities and lack of focus are holding me back.

3. Influences working in my favour: The High Priestess – (Can you believe this!!?) Strong females will feature, be open to mystic powers and rely on instincts.

4. The near future: 3 Pentacles – Use of skills and talents, success in new endeavours.

5. The long term future: Knight of Swords (reversed) – I took this as a sign I would not have a man in my life again and that is okay. Be mindful of who you allow into your life – signifies a dishonest, violent person.

6. The eventual outcome of your life: Queen Pentacles – I hope this is a sign of private foster care for adolescents who have experienced trauma – A caring, kind hearted, motherly woman with a good head for business.

The humble (?) bra.

Well. Today I am sitting in a position of excited inspiration! I am looking to create a celebration of the strong feminist women working in the human services in my home town, Launceston.

I am sitting at home, listening to jazz women of the 1920s (Ruth Etting, Billie Holiday and such) while rearranging my lounge room.

I am using the active time to think of ideas for my celebration; Could the CWA cater? Is the CWA a feminist supportive organisation? Are there hidden agendas there I don’t know about? Thank god I have a good bra for activities like moving furniture!

…. Wait… I remember my mum talking about bra burning feminists… I have heard the bra was designed by men for men’s appreciation of the female form…. Oh lord, oh LORD it is a contraption of containment and control of the female spirit!!!

But really? I am glad I have bras. I am a bigger laaady (favourite word at the moment, must have 3 ‘a’s) and my bewbs need some help. I would chafe, sweat and get a sore back without this lovely pink lace. BUT, some ways I choose to stick it to the capitalist/corporation include;
❤ Washing them careful in the shower after 3 – 4 days wear, this keeps them nice and there is no need to pay corporations $60 or more too often – for bigger laaadys the price is astronomical and choices are limited!
❤ I will start to shop ethically – research brands, look for local and spread the word (http://www.ethicalclothingaustralia.org.au/accredited-brand/underwear-basics/ and http://www.earthfirst.net.au/lingerie.html)!
❤ Love myself – shop for comfort but treat yo self to pretty.

Really feminism isn’t about whether or not you wear a bra but the fight for peoples rights to choose (yes people – lots of boys like some lace!)

Okay… *How* are people graceful??

I have a few people who inspire me very much. I want to call them ‘idols’ or ‘gurus’ but I feel like those words are too gendered so I follow my rule and just use more words to explain my meaning.

Okay, so some people who have inspired me include; Jeremy Ball (who was our deputy mayor and a major social justice campaigner until his death recently), Susan Neighbour (social worker, spiritual healer), Laura Kay (creative feminist, writer and so much more), Lee Hodge (social worker, my best friends dad!) and Bel St Clair (holistic social worker, friend).

All five of these people, in my experience, have been able to express levels of frustration while remaining positive and really still holding a position of love.

I want to find this grounded-ness, this grace and dignity (always dignity). I feel like I just get hijacked by anger. My amygdala goes into overdrive and I want to jump up and down and yell, make a scathing comment or run away and hide.

Does everyone feel that or do people generally grow out of it? Am I terribly immature? How do I waft through life being nonplussed but passionate (oxymoron?) changing the world with love? Do I need more incense? Maybe I need some spiritual healing?

Another day is always coming.

Well! In technicolour contrast to my black and white sad and overwhelming night last night I am feeling so grateful for things tonight.

I love my little life. I watched TV and caught up on some admin stuff for work tonight. Nothing heavy, just light stuff. My cat lazed in front of the gas heater and we were in a cosy little bliss.

I just made myself a cup of milo and was so grateful that I had sugar in my cupboard! Like not only in a macro ‘well I am so fortunate’ way but in a ‘single life is good’ way too 🙂

I think we feel misery and sadness so vividly but the ‘just so’ times pass by without much notice. It is like wellness, sometimes we forget to notice it until we are unwell… Maybe this is all linked to the mindfulness exercises I have been doing; five senses, mindsight (meditation) time and so on.

With five senses I sit quietly, wherever I am and focus on something I can smell, something I can hear, something I can touch, things I can taste and one thing I can see. Sometimes I reflect on these, sometimes it just brings me back to right here, right now.

Mindsight is a practice developed by Dan Siegel and is all about getting to know your mind. I try to do at least the breath awareness once a day, I love the Wheel of Awareness too, though this is more time consuming.

How do you notice the nice things?

Questions…

A tricky, difficult, I even want to say yucky thing happened this week. A very close family member has had a hard time and responded in a way that they are not proud of.

And on being a part of this I have sunk into a scary hole of pain and fear. The world just feels like a scary place and I cannot cope with seeing my favourites get stung by the nastiness of it all.

Is this normal? I feel like a scratched record, the tune goes on but I keep getting pulled violently back to the realisation that someone I love is in pain. And so it begins….

I want to wrap them all in soft, cosy cotton wool. I can’t do that so to preserve myself I might run away and hide and retreat from any relationship with someone I love so much. Nope, that is silly. I will miss them and still feel this overwhelming sadness-pain. So I start thinking about not being here any more.

How do I do this? How do I not feel this mind-bending pain? Does everyone feel this? Is this part of my mental illness? Do some of us just suffer heart ache more?

Pedantry

I live alone. I know what I have and I know where everything is.

I am getting increasingly annoyed at a certain family member who stays at my house and uses things without asking.

I am conflicted. I want family to be completely comfortable at my house but my stuff is my stuff and though I’m not attached to things I know what I have and things are in a weird way precious to me.

I am considering telling this person they cannot stay any more, until they learn to respect my things.

I guess the thing is, other people visit/stay and know my boundaries and will ask or at least tell me what they have used. I have made it clear to this person that I need that and the person just does not seem to care.

I am so confused about this and who am I and what to do.

Self care is my journey.

I have been aware lately that I am feeling like I will break down soon. This has mostly been to do with work which is a bit of a shift for me. I generally feel like work is the ‘control’. There are rules, the most significant being if I am not being paid, I don’t do work stuff. In the past I have struggled with this, as a new social work grad I wanted to save the world and I burnt out, albeit with me in denial and arguing with people that it wasn’t burn out.

But the last year, in my current position I have felt much more clear about the personal/professional boundary. Well. I thought I was. In actual fact, I have still been bringing home and holding onto and even transferring the frustration, anger, annoyance, and so on to my personal world. Rather than thinking ‘work is work’ as an objective entity I have been thinking of it subjectively, as me. If a day was frustrating I am frustrated. If a situation is sad, I am sad.

It doesn’t have to be this way. I recently went to a conference where Dan Siegel spoke and he spoke about objectivity at work. I have always though objectivity is a dirty word in social work, it is impossible to be objective, we always have our own lens when viewing things and we must be aware of this. But what Dr Siegel spoke about was an objectivity of self and situation. I am not experiencing someone’s sadness, I am seeing it, I can empathise with it but I am not feeling it. Just as I can be frustrated with a situation and want to advocate against injustice but that situation does not have to be a part of my whole being.

There is still a part of my heart that resists this. I am a social justice warrior, that is my identity, not just a work thing but I need to work on a balance otherwise I will become a husk.

What do you do to leave work at work? Do you have rituals, habits, rules that work for you?